The Final Drive: Week 9, 2013

Has everyone had their fill of craziness yet? This week in the NFL proved I know absolutely nothing about football. By the time Sunday’s afternoon games rolled around, I was aghast at all my misconceptions of the match-ups. But that’s why we love the NFL, right? Let’s kick-start this edition of The Final Drive!

(4-4) Miami Dolphins 22
(6-3) Cincinnati Bengals 20

There are two plays to remember from this game. The first is Giovanni Bernard’s insane 35 yard run that required him to actually run over 100 yards. The second? The game-ending overtime safety. Yeah, that’s right. A walk-off safety. Cincy had no business losing this game, but at 6-3, they still hold court in the North. (There’s a Game of Thrones joke in there somewhere.)

Bernard Run

This run is REDONKS.

(9-0) Kansas City Chiefs 23
(3-6) Buffalo Bills 13

These Chiefs are a deceptive 9-0. Their offense is putrid. Seriously. KC scored 14 points on two pick-sixes of Jeff Tuel, who really shouldn’t have been throwing the ball at all. Buffalo’s running game collected 241 yards of offense! The Bills out-played the Chiefs for the most part, but they lost because they’re the freaking Bills and they have a Tool at quarterback.

(5-4) Dallas Cowboys 27
(1-7) Minnesota Vikings 23

Tony Romo was nearly the scapegoat of another Cowboy loss with a late interception, but he led his team back down the field, where they scored the go-ahead touchdown. Adrian Peterson was beastly, which everyone pointed out using this play as the evidence…

Peterson Lift

I’m sorry, I’m giving the Viking tight end credit for this touchdown. Peterson was about to be put on his backside when Chase Ford came in and picked him back up. AP is fantastic, yes. But this wasn’t all him. CREDIT THE SCRUB WHITE BOY TIGHT END.

(4-4) Tennessee Titans 28
(3-5) St. Louis Rams 21

Hey everybody, Chris Johnson is back! We think. Johnson made a timely entrance to the 2013 season with 150 yards and two scores, helping the Titans get back to .500 and stay in the playoff picture with the rest of the funky AFC. St. Louis, as long as you continue to trot out Kellen Clemens, I will continue to dismiss you as a legitimate NFL team. Deal?

(5-4) New York Jets 26
(6-2) New Orleans Saints 20

Yeah, this is one of those results I did not see coming. At all. I’m done trying to predict the Jets. Geno Smith completed only eight passes on Sunday, but the 198 rushing yards his team accumulated proved to be the difference in the game, along with two Drew Brees interceptions. With five wins on the year, the Jets are already doing better than I could have imagined. (But they could still lose the rest of their games and I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.)

(3-5) Washington Offensive Names 30
(4-4) San Diego Chargers 24

This game was utterly winnable for the Chargers, even after falling behind early. But they couldn’t overcome overtime heroics from Robert Griffin and the Washington running game. Oh, and Pierre Garcon racked up some heavy receiving yards. 172, to be precise. Washington stays in the NFC East picture and San Diego loses its footing in the AFC playoff hunt. Pfft.

(5-3) Carolina Panthers 34
(2-6) Atlanta Falcons 10

Okay, so the Panthers beat the hell out of another bad team. But this is their fourth straight win, a streak that has seen them score at least 30 points in each game. We should probably start giving them credit for this run. Of course, I say this right before their schedule starts to get mangy and difficult. So… I’ll start crediting them next week.

BTDubs, Atlanta sucks.

(4-5) Philadelphia Eagles 49
(3-5) Oakland Raiders 20

Well Nick Foles is clearly the second coming of Dan Marino. Or something like that. His seven passing touchdowns tied the NFL record that was already tied earlier this year by Peyton Manning. As for “Racist Riley Cooper?” Well, let’s just say that hasn’t exactly blown over yet.

Cooper Sucks

(8-1) Seattle Seahawks 27
(0-8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24

The Seahawks needed overtime to beat the win-less Buccaneers. In Seattle. I’m pretty much at a loss for words here.


This is me.

(4-5) Cleveland Browns 24
(3-5) Baltimore Ravens 18

DAYUM CLEVELAND! You be trippin’! Seriously, the Browns got out to an early lead and never relinquished, even as the Super Bowl champs “rallied” late. The Ravens are suffering from an offensive identity crisis. They only gained 55 rushing yards in this game against the underrated Cleveland defense. This was another close AFC North contest, but the Browns are proving they’re a force with which to be reckoned.

(7-2) New England Patriots 55
(2-6) Pittsburgh Steelers 31

Now we know what this Patriot offense can look like with a healthy Danny Amendola and Rob Gronkowski. And we also know that Tom Brady finally received his long overdue high five.

Brady High Five

He deserved it too! Brady was a marksman on Sunday, picking apart the Steeler defense on nearly every drive. The Pats amassed over 600 yards of offense to go along with their 55 points, both Steeler records (the bad kind). Gronkowksi, Amendola, and Aaron Dobson each went over the 100 yard receiving mark. It was a good day to be a Patriot fan. It was a shitty day to like the Steelers.

(6-2) Indianapolis Colts 27
(2-6) Houston Texans 24

This Sunday nighter had plenty of drama. Some of it was good, some of it was actually terrible. Case Keenum came out in the first half and laid waste to any Texan fan that believes Matt Schaub should start another game this season. But then head coach Gary Kubiak collapsed at the start of halftime with what is now known to have been a “mini-stroke.” Yeesh. The chaotic intermission did the Texans no favors, who gave up 15 straight points to the Colts. Oh, and Randy Bullock missed a 55-yarder which could have rendered all the Texans’ troubles moot. That dude is fired.


And The Final Drive is complete! Thanks for sticking around. I’ll be back later in the week with my thoughts on the 2013 season, as we’re now halfway through.