2014 Preseason Preview: Jaguars at Bears

A six-day turnaround from their first preseason game puts the Bears on the Thursday night schedule. ESPN will be showing this instant classic, which pits Trestman’s squad against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Woo. Doggy. For this preview, I’ll try not to dip into 1,000 word territory. Unless you want me to, of course. I CAN TOTALLY WRITE 2,500 WORDS ON WHY JARED ALLEN NEEDS TO BRING HIS MULLET BACK IN STYLE BECAUSE REDNECK FOOTBALL MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

I Can do zat

Sorry, anyways. Let’s talk about what we’ll need to see from the Bears Thursday night.

We Went to Jared

Speaking of that hot mullet action, Jared Allen (who for the record, has no mullet now) will be on the field against the Jags in his first action as a Bear. He missed last week’s game because his practice week was disrupted by the birth of his new baby girl. That’s ridiculous. Don’t these athletes schedule their wive’s contractions around football? In all seriousness, congratulations on more sleepless nights, Jared. Allen’s presence should improve upon the pressure we saw in the first unit defense’s performance from Friday. WIllie Young started last week, but now he’ll be a part of the defensive end rotation. I’m all sorts of excited to see Allen on the field leading this line. Also: lasso celebrations.

A New Back-Up Sheriff in Town

Jimmy Clausen was the third quarterback off the bench in Friday night’s exhibition opener, meaning I can’t make any decent jokes. (Third QB’s suck.) But against the Jags he’ll be good ole’ number two. Yep, he’ll be the Riker to Cutler’s Picard. And that’s the first time I’ve ever used Star Trek to help explain football. Clausen earned a shot at this slot mostly because Jordan Palmer didn’t do anything electric last game. The only way Clausen sticks on this roster is to flat-out beat Palmer in this competition, so this performance will go a long way into earning that privilege.

Can Anyone Tell Which Safety Sucks the Least Yet?

Because I can’t. You can watch every game of football there is and still not be able to ascertain a safety’s level of suckitude. Sure, you’ll know when big plays happen against them, but that’s what, a handful of plays? To properly judge a safety, you need to see their positioning on every play, and that doesn’t happen with broadcast TV’s viewpoint. You barely ever see the safeties until the ball’s halfway down the field. So we have to trust that the coaches are viewing the “coaches’ tape” and can accurately verify a starting safety. Because I’m not sure they can yet. It’s been some years since we’ve had a good one to rely on. But hey, Chris Conte has been doing some practicing this week, meaning we can add yet another middling/unknown safety to this ClusterMcFuck.

Channing Confused

Me too Channing, me too.

Is it Miller Time?

Last week I mentioned how tight-end depth was lacking behind the now-unsuspended Martellus Bennett. Well, Zach Miller clearly read that commentary, because he came out and caught two touchdowns against the Eagles. Now? He needs to continue that play versus the Jaguars if he wants to climb the depth chart. Trestman likes to run two-tight end sets, so it’d be nice to have someone that’s more of an offensive threat than Dante Rosario. Because I hear points are important.


And I’m out. Enjoy the game tonight everyone! I’ll be tweeting along over @MostlyAvgJoe. Come join in on the snark!