Everyone hold onto your butts, because we’ve got a Night of Champions coming on Sunday! WWE’s yearly show where every title is defended, because for some reason that doesn’t already happen on every other pay-per-view. (It should.) For this week, I’m joined by fellow wrasslin’ fan Kurtis, who from here out shall be known as Sub Par Kurt. We’re a tag team. Someone has to be the Marty Jannetty to my Shawn Michaels. The Christian to my Edge. The Big Show to my Jericho. …Who are we kidding, he’s the Deuce to my Domino. We’re like a D-level squad. Everyone’s shitty. Anyways, onto the predictions!
Preshow: Neville & Lucha Dragons vs. Stardust and The Ascension
Sub Par Kurt: As much as I want Stardust to yell ‘witness me’, I have to go for the super hero team (2 masks, 1 cape).
Mostly Average Joe: Wake me when the show actually starts.
SPK: If the match doesn’t end with Red Arrow then it will be as if there wasn’t a match at all.
MAJ: Then did the pre-show never happen? WAS THERE EVER A PANEL OF EXPERTS?
SPK: Mountain Dew advertisements be damned!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev w/ Summer Rae
SPK: WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING!? WHERE IS OUR LANA vs SUMMER MATCH??? Rusev is becoming tired as a gimmick, so I see him winning just to stay relevant.
MAJ: Yeah. Since the last PPV fight ended in a double count-out, Rusev probably wins this, if only for the fact that Lana won’t be at ringside as Summer insurance. But there’s something weird with those earrings Dolph gave her. This might turn into a “feud” over Summer? Only to be faked out by a returning Lana, who was in on it the whole time?
Wyatt Family vs. Shield Minus One Plus One
SPK: The real question is who is the TBA partner: Reigns and Ambrose have trolled fans with Great Khali (hilarious), WWE “leaked” Lone Wolf Baron Corbin from NXT (he fits in with Ambrose and Reigns… but no pop…and not a ton of ring skill… BUT HE’S TALL!), Chris Jericho (temporary pop), Randy Orton (limp pop, smarks will revolt), and then Samoa Joe (Samoan sized pop). Anyone else is beyond me. Daniel Bryan OR CM Punk would get the largest pops of anyone, BUT 1: They wouldn’t use this as a comeback spot for these guys, and 2: CM Punk’s lawsuit is still ongoing and a hearing’s scheduled for early October. *Eric Rowan is injured with a torn Bicep, helping WWE avoid a super limp surprise.
MAJ: Jesus, what’s with all these non-title matches? WTF happened to to the CHAMPIONS? And Kurt, you’ve just proven your sub-par-ness by forgetting that Ambrose and Reigns need a monster of their own to fight Bray’s monster, Braun Stroman. That means KANE, baby! Out of the corporate slacks and back in all his red and black BDSM glory. If it’s not Jericho, it’ll be Kane. As much as I wanna see Samoa Joe. I figure Kane shows up, and in typical WWE-booking he’ll be integral to the finish, but no one will care. The Wyatts need a win in this feud at some point, right?
SPK: They might, but if the Wyatts win does that negate the TBA reveal anyway? When Undertaker was revealed in a six-man elimination tag, he was counted out, so he ‘lost’ to Bret Hart, Jim The Anvil, and Dusty Rhodes, but still looked like an unstoppable force in the match. This isn’t an elimination tag though. so they will have to be more creative if the Wyatts do win.
MAJ: What if Erick Rowan comes back? SURPRISE!
SPK: I like Rowan as a Wyatt but that would be a limp noodle reveal and I’d be sad that’s how he came back
MAJ: I know. I just wanted to surprise you with sadness. It would just be very WWE to immediately follow up a bad surprise (Kane) with a terrible surprise (Rowan).
SPK: It would be the most WWE. Also, a Rowan-Kane tag team would be great
MAJ: RED DUDES.
SPK: Eva Marie as manager. Make it happen!
MAJ: …That’s not bad.
Divas Championship: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Charlotte
SPK: Charlotte wins, hopefully using Charlotte’s web. I’m semi-inclined to think Paige might turn heel out of jealousy (as WWE Divas are known to do) and Nikki will retain the title. Otherwise, the Bellas aren’t very relevant (and Alicia Fox is even less so, though I love her bridging suplex). There will be a not-so-great Alabama Slam… and it will be replayed too many times. That’s for certain.
MAJ: Yep, it’s like they found one hard-hitting Divas move and need to shove it in our face every time it happens. I’m with you on the Paige swerve idea. How do I know? …There’s no Team PCB gear. The Bellas have a sweet Team Bella shirt. Team B.A.D. even has a crappy black tee. PCB? Not a damn thing. That might simply mean they have a plethora of never-released “Submission Sorority” shirts, or it’s a suggestion that this faction isn’t long for this world. Paige’s character has a history of flipping when something doesn’t go her way. That said, the swerve waits until RAW, or at least until Charlotte wins, whenever that is. I’ll say Charlotte wins the title, just to switch things up.
SPK: We need a champ that can actually wrestle.
SPK: Rack Attack isn’t doing it for me (I never thought I’d utter those words).
Tag Team Championship: New Day (c) vs. Dudley Boyz
SPK: Two tables broken, one trombone smashed. New Day retains the titles because New… Day Rocks *clap… clap clap*. Big E will do a 300lb version of the Carlton. Spike Dudley has a good chance of popping up to feud with Xavier, which will make the three-man power teams even more prominent in this era of WWE. (Keep an eye out for Zach Ryder, Mojo Rawley, coming up with either Colin Cassady or Enzo Amore, ORR BOTH… in 6-12 months.)
MAJ: Wow. That’s a lot of team action. Are we sure that the Revolution isn’t in the tag team division? As for the match, the New Day wins because they’re more entertaining when they’re on top. And the Dudleyz showed up like, eight minutes ago. Let them keep pushing for a while. They don’t need the tenth title win so soon. We’re long-winded already. Moving on!
Intercontinental Championship: Ryback (c) vs. Kevin Owens
SPK: Snooze… and I like Owens, but Ryback might have the NXT curse… and I don’t mean the current iteration of it, but the original pseudo-game show one. Ryback is the only person left. Bryan is hurt, Barrett hasn’t been seen since the Raw after Summer Slam. Ryback is fighting for relevance. I wish they would just keep him as a voiceless monster, or some guy who only talks nonsense on the warpath to the ring… no promos though. Humanizing a giant isn’t interesting because it’s not relate-able. People can relate to tiny masked luchadores more than they can a huge overwhelming powerhouse. Ryback for the win, the internet rages.
MAJ: Yeah, I don’t like ‘Roided Inspirational Speaker Ryback. As much as I like the concept of this feud, this match will probably suck. Only Kevin Owens can save us. KO all the way.
U.S Championship: Seth Rollins (c) vs. John Cena
SPK: Cena wins just because 1: He’s Cena and 2: I don’t see them doing two schmozzy finishes with Rollins. The last match they had was fairly slow paced, so I hope this one has a bit more energy, but I did love seeing Rollins do two suicide dives followed by a flip over the top rope in a row.
MAJ: There’s some internet scuttlebutt that this match might actually go on last, and that his Sting match happens earlier in the night. If that’s the case, I say for sure that Cena wins. They’ll put on a fun match, in any case.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Seth Rollins (c) vs. Sting
SPK: This will be a short match, it will be schmozzy, and we will see three signature Sting moves. I can’t help but think this will be swerve city, ranging from Triple H interfering or a Sheamus cash in. No real winner, not even the fans.
MAJ: Yeah, I don’t know here. It seems like a perfect time for a Sheamus cash-in on SOMEONE, whether it’s Sting or Rollins, whoever holds the title afterwards. I think I’d feel really weird about a clean Sting win, unless it was to further set-up that Seth isn’t as on HHH’s level because he couldn’t beat Sting. More likely some crazy shit happens and Seth leaves with the title. I think. Maybe.
SPK: Sting with the title isn’t interesting. Sheamus with the title is super uninteresting. So it has to be Rollins.
MAJ: Right? I’m not sure what Sting as champion does for anyone.
SPK: Exactly.
MAJ: So… we’ve decided that SOMETHING will happen at the end of Night of Champions.
SPK: Something is better than nothing?
MAJ: Unless that something is Erick Rowan. That’s what we’ve learned today.
That’s it! We’ve covered all our NoC bases. In terribly long-winded fashion. I’d say we’re sorry, but we’re not. We have to sneak our shots in while we can and hope we get a chance at the tag titles before anyone realizes our gimmick sucks.
-Heels By Default
