Let me paint a picture for you: I am bored at work one afternoon, g-chatting with one of the only individuals in my office that is A-near my age, and B-worth talking to personally. We’re going to call him “Jon From Work.” We start as we usually do, with some snide comment regarding a recent piece of sports news. This time, it was the ridiculous news that Browns owner Jimmy Haslam paid the government $92 million dollars to avoid prosecution for his company’s crimes.

What resulted was the funnest game I’ve played in a while…

Here’s the transcript of that now-legendary conversation. (Edited for poor spelling and context, because we don’t need to look like the idiots we know we are.)

Mostly Average Joe:  How does one settle a court case… WITH THE GOVERNMENT
http://deadspin.com/browns-owner-avoids-federal-prosecution-with-massive-se-1604799901/all
“Sure, we’ll let you slide on this… as long as you pay us a shitload of money.”
Jon From Work:  Isn’t that how the government works?
“Pay us a shitload of money.”
MAJ:  Fuckers.
WTF.
JFW:  Yep.
MAJ:  That’s cool. No need for justice or any of that tomfoolery.
JFW:  Come on, you’re old to know that rich people have a different set of laws than us lowly common folk.
Money buys freedom.
MAJ:  I know. But still. Don’t they have to occasionally throw one of these assholes to the wolves? Just to give us a sliver of hope?
JFW:  They probably should. Next guy who doesn’t own an NFL team probably will get 15 years in rape-in-ass prison.
But not an NFL guy.
Didn’t the Colts owner drive drunk and not even get a ticket?
MAJ:  I was surprised the NFL didn’t leak Irsay’s punishment ten minutes after LeBron‘s decision.
JFW:  lol. That woulda been the time to do it.
MAJ:  Seriously. You could have hidden a Tom Brady PED suspension under that news.
Okay, well maybe not that, since ESPN loves its Northeast.
JFW:  Okay, new game… within 20 minutes, what news would have trumped LeBron’s Decision 2 (Electric Cav-aloo) — only sport things?
So a Tom Brady PED positive test.
…Any top 5 QB dies or has a positive PED test.
MAJ:  Oh shit…
Anything MAJOR NFL-related…like, the disbanding of the league.
JFW:  Or LA getting a team. (BWAHAHAHAHA)
MAJ:  HAHAHAHAHA
This is a good game.
I dunno? The LeBron thing’s pretty big news.
Jordan coming back out of retirement?
JFW:  Nothing hockey. (‘Cept a ‘splosion that blew up the Stanley Cup and about 20 players – but that’s not strictly sports.)
MAJ:  A Jeter retirement announcement. *eyeroll*
JFW:  I think the list might be NFL disbanding / NFL team to LA / top 5 NFL QB PED test… notice a trend here…?
MAJ:  Yep.
JFW:  I cannot think of one baseball/hockey/basketball story that would have interrupted the first 30 minutes of LEBRON coverage… (other than like, terrorist/disaster acts which don’t count in this fucked up question).
MAJ:  Right? I mean, any of the major leagues (NBA, NFL, MLB, maybe NHL) being forced to shut down, but otherwise I’m not sure any non-NFL sport is getting through.
JFW:  The Stanley Cup Finals being fixed/players betting on it would only get a bottom line and a “later today, we’ll cover something shocking in the world of hockey.”
MAJ:  hahaha
Jeter PED’s?
God, this is a small list.
JFW:  Jeter’d be big news BUT I don’t think it would interrupt, other than “coming later.”
I mean, ESPN and Sports Illustrated LeBron-gasmed for the entire day
MAJ:  I’m gonna need to look back at this list later. This is an awesome idea for an article.
JFW:  hahaha. Glad I could be some inspiration
MAJ:  Inspiration? Shit. I’m gonna quote you.
JFW:  Would a Nascar wreck involving more than five deaths even get a cut-away?
HAHAHA
MAJ:  HAHA
I was laughing at Nascar death.
JFW:  Not laughing at deaths. Laughing at quote.
MAJ:  Whoops.
JFW:  hahahahaha
Literally LOL.
MAJ:  In-sport death would depend on the league, but it’s a contender.
JFW:  Not AAA ball, but a MLB death would likely get some coverage. The time spent is dependent on the player.
MAJ:  Okay. Major League In-Sport death.
Like, dunking and breaking the backboard, which falls and beheads someone.
JFW:  Hockey season is done, so no re-signing or trade would do anything.
SO done with that sport.
Oh god.
“Beheads someone.”
Jeeeebus.
MAJ:  What? Just saying. RATINGS.
JFW:  “A local player was decapitated today after posterizing Darko Milicic.”
MAJ:  “John Wall was decapitated today after posterizing Darko Milicic.”
That could break in.
JFW:  And we have it – DEATH (by ridiculousness) or major NFL something.
That’s the list.
MAJ:  That sounds about right.
…God damn the NFL.
JFW:  lol