OMFG YOU GUYS FOOTBALL IS BACK. That means your humble host has to explain to all of his friends why he’s unreachable on Sundays… and Mondays… and Thursdays. And maybe Saturdays? Man. I’m about to be hated. But who gives a shit about that? The NFL is coming back in all its steroid-fueled, concussion-filled, women-hating glory! (If you didn’t read that sentence with a sarcastic tone, go back and do it again. I’ll wait for you.)

The NFL preseason technically starts this weekend with the Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio. After some old McFarts get inducted into the HoF, the NFL “celebrates” with the first craptastic display of preseason competition. Let’s chat about the game on Sunday night!

(0-0) Whoever They Are’s at
(0-0) Makes No Difference’s
8:00 PM ET, NBC

WHO CARES WHAT TEAMS ARE PLAYING? IT’S FOOTBALL!

I think it’s actually the New York Giants versus the Buffalo Bills or something. But don’t act like we’re really going to see what Eli Manning looks like under center in this brand new Giant offense. (Spoiler Alert: HE’LL LOOK THE SAME.) Or if E.J. Manuel is ready to take the next step in his career as a pro quarterback. (Answer: NOPE, IT’S BUFFALO.) We’re going to see some hot scrub-on-scrub action, and nothing is as sweet as watching some no-name defensive back play for his professional livelihood.

Most normal people are going to find this game overly boring and without stakes. And they’d be right to do so. But not this man. All of these are me right now:

Okay. I’m good now. It’s out of my system. With the preseason underway and the regular season right around the corner, brace yourselves for the novella I will be writing in anticipation of the 2014 campaign. Previews of every NFL team and my corresponding terrible record-predictions will be joined by an in-depth look at the 2014 Chicago Bears, that, when combined, form an unwieldy monstrosity of Mostly Average words that will barely form a cohesive, unified thought process. Have fun.

Bring on the football.