The Final Drive: Week 11, 2013

Week eleven’s action featured a ton of dreary weather, but there are still plenty of bright spots in the storylines. It’s time for The Final Drive!

(7-3) Indianapolis Colts 30
(4-6) Tennessee Titans 27

So the Colts are apparently a terrible first half team. But thankfully they could overcome the mediocre offense of the Titans, especially with Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Chris Johnson started out strong but couldn’t find lanes as the game went on, letting the Colts pull back in front for good. But we all need to see this dick move from linebacker Erik Walden, who delivered a helmeted-headbutt to Delanie Walker… who was sans helmet at the time. And now Walden is suspended for a game. Appeal it, I dare you.

Walden Headbutt

(4-7) Buffalo Bills 37
(5-5) New York Jets 14

Geno Smith. You were terrible again. Three interceptions and a lost fumble? What is your deal, brah? Don’t make me bring Mark Sanchez back out here! Oh… wait, he’s injured?

God Dammit

(7-4) Cincinnati Bengals 41
(4-6) Cleveland Browns 20

This game featured three defensive scores, two of which resulted in points for the Bengals. Andy Dalton has stopped impressing me. After such a nice run earlier in the year, he’s had two games of just ugly. Speaking of ugly, turning the ball over four times cannot be in the Browns’ game plan… ever.

(6-5) Philadelphia Eagles 24
(3-7) Washington Offensive Names 16

Washington put up all of their 16 points in the fourth quarter, after really struggling to find their offensive groove for most of the day. Philly’s Nick Foles continued his streak of touchdowns without interceptions, a run that is now at 18-0. If he’s not turning the ball over, the Eagles could hold onto first place in the division.

(4-6) Pittsburgh Steelers 37
(6-4) Detroit Lions 27

A failed fake field goal attempt by Detroit and two Roethlisberger touchdown throws earned the victory for the Steelers on Sunday. But let’s be fair, the Lions excel at crapping away leads, even if they sometimes forget how to do it. I’ll sleep better at night knowing the Lions are still a bad team in disguise.

(2-8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 41
(2-8) Atlanta Falcons 28

YEAH BOY! Like I said, the Falcons are terrible. And they finally came through (fell through?) for me in this game, giving the Bucs their second straight win. But I want to remind everyone that Greg Schiano is a tool and should get fired just on principle. NEVER FORGET.

(6-4) Arizona Cardinals 27
(1-9) Jacksonville Jaguars 14

WTF Palmer? Over 400 yards passing? No interceptions? A 70% completion percentage? What is this, 2006? it’s a good thing he was on his game too, because these teams combined for a whopping 46 yards rushing. Yeah. Arizona ran for 16 yards and Jacksonville racked up 32. That’s all sorts of ridiculous. Even more crazy? Andre Ellington losing his dreadlocks in a tackle:


Hardcore, Babin.

(4-6) Oakland Raiders 28
(2-8) Houston Texans 23

I’d love to pass on some unique insight to this game, but both of these teams are a bit of a mess. Rookie Matt McGloin came in and threw for three touchdowns against the vaunted Texan defense… IN HIS FIRST CAREER START. That’s just embarrassing for Houston, who benched Case Keenum for Matt Schaub, who got into a verbal altercation with receiver Andre Johnson… who walked off the field early before the game ended. Yeah, one big happy family.

(5-5) Miami Dolphins 20
(4-6) San Diego Chargers 16

You know, I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the Chargers. They actually started off strong for once, and Philip Rivers has really gro-

Swift Laugh

Man, I could NOT get through all of that with a straight face. Sorry Charger fans, I tried. But you lost to the Dolphins, who really might be the most dysfunctional team in the NFL. After a TD in the first quarter, the Chargers put up a field goal a quarter over the final three. Where’s the offense Phil?

(8-2) New Orleans Saints 23
(6-4) San Francisco 49ers 20

More overtime baby! It may not have been the point total I was expecting from New Orleans, but they made the plays necessary (and got help from a so-so roughing the passer penalty) to put Garrett Hartley in range for the winning field goal. The Niners have a distinct problem on offense. They only managed 196 total yards in this game, despite receiving three extra possessions by way of Saint turnovers. This needs to be corrected immediately if the Niners are going to make noise late in the season.

(4-6) New York Giants 27
(5-5) Green Bay Packers 13

So Scott Tolzien throws three interceptions… and he’s already been named the starter for next week. That’s cool. Matt Flynn wasn’t really planning on playing anyway. (No sarcasm. I’m pretty sure he’s around just for the CASH.) More interesting than the Rodgers-less Packers are the Giants, who have suddenly won four in a row… and have an improving defense. They have two division games coming up that could dramatically shift the NFC East… or bury themselves in an inescapable hole.

(10-1) Seattle Seahawks 41
(2-8) Minnesota Vikings 20

Minnesota’s four turnovers weren’t the only reasons they lost. Adrian Peterson couldn’t get going at all, totaling only 65 yards on the ground. Now we hear he was bothered by a groin injury. Why put him out there with his breakneck attitude if he’s not going to effective? Seattle on the other hand, is getting healthy at the right time. Their offensive line allowed only one sack of Russell Wilson and Percy Harvin got some valuable game action before the stretch run. And uh… Brandon Mebane did this…

Fat Roll

You can go scrub your eyes now. I’ll give you a moment.

(9-1) Denver Broncos 27
(9-1) Kansas City Chiefs 17

This double-digit win wasn’t a complete whupping, but the Broncos came out with a tough win at home over a formerly undefeated opponent. And Peyton had a bum ankle! But the Chief pass rush got nowhere near Manning’s injured ankle because of how fast he was releasing the ball. In two weeks at Arrowhead, this result could be very different. (Or not. I’m reserving judgement.)

(7-3) Carolina Panthers 24
(7-3) New England Patriots 20

Hoowee! That might have been the best Monday night game of the season! We had great offenses (at one point the two quarterbacks were 16 for 16 with two touchdowns in the second half) great defenses, and a slightly controversial last play of the game! I’m not convinced that it wasn’t pass interference on Gronkowski in the endzone for two reasons.
Two: He “couldn’t make a play on the ball,” and that’s why there wasn’t any dicking? Maybe he would have made a play if he wasn’t busy being BEAR-HUGGED. Tom Brady had a right to be mad, even if he was a wee overzealous.

Anyway, rant over. It was an awesome game between two teams on their way to the postseason. Carolina is legit, y’all.


And there you go! The Final Drive of week eleven is all done. Enjoy the rest of your week. I’ll be back by Thursday at the latest as we gear up for week twelve!